I was thinking that maybe I should be calling this the relentless pursuit of the creative buzz, instead because when I now look back at my 20 years of graduation I think that's maybe what I have been trying to keep because when you reach that source of creativity within yourself you very quickly realise that there is no other feeling in the world like it. Particularly the joy, when you get the joy it's a kind of addiction you just want to keep repeating it no matter the consequences.
So there I was in Lower Manhatten, someone said to me in Belfast when I was heading off to get my bus at 11 oclock at night after working at the BPW. "Don't you get worried walking in the dark" I told them I used to live in Manhatten and while there you learn to walk in a way that stops anyone from thinking that you could be a possible victim . How do you do it? well you never walk in the dark in high heels, you look to vunerable ( to say nothing about what it does to your back) if your dressed up always wear a coat that hides it, walk with strong strides, quickly. Don't carry a hangbag ( to easy to snatch) get your keys to your house/car out before you leave (so you dont have to pause before entering anything). Walk with your fists clenched, so you look like you would be a hard person to attack. So with all these things I went about my business as I was beside the gallery district I would drop in and have a look at everything as they changed month by month, just take a deep breath and pass the gauntlet of gallery assistants wanting to sell to you something. I do remember a very persistant assistant that insisted a Tapies would look perfect somewhere in my house, "did I have a particular spot in the house in mind", did I know anything about the artist, which I did. hard to keep the bluff going but all good learning. I got to know lower Manhatten really well, there was an offer for a flat on 5th avenue, sounds great doesnt it? but when I went to visit it all seems very bland, too shiney and "up town" or posher. I was more of a downtown kind of girl. The landlady was a dancer and she would get me free tickets to see things so I'd be out and about visiting things. I have one strong memory of watching the doors movie, while a few people in the cinema were smoking -certainly not tabacco it added an extra edge to proceedings. While the gulf war started I was surprised at the reacting the local population. Everyone was glued to the TV, I went out one night with two other Fulbright friends and we were almost shouted at for daring to not be at home watching the TV, the waiters were glued to it. "are you not watching it" they asked no we are hungry" was the reply. Dirty look followed.
Instantly some of the windows started to sell second world war gas masks ( always an opportunity to make money in a war) as if some how that would save America ? himmmmmmmmm do you see a pattern forming. Red, while and blue, stars and stripes everywhere.People walked a bit faster. Conversations started about, if Manhatten was attached where would people flee too? Me, I was wondering what I would wear? Just kidding. But I did think of the ridiculous of it. I had no one, if we were attached, I'd just have to stay put.Maybe being brought up in Northern Ireland gives you a different attitude to the possibility of attach.
Living in Manhatten I started to feel a bit fractious will all the noise and activity, you could sun bathe on the roof of our building but I worked out that every couple of weeks , I'd have to go to the edge and see the sea or go up the world trade centre or Empire state building just to get your head above the general city energy. Going up the Empire state building one day looking out across Manhatten I thought, you know what this is about the same size as Ard's penissula. Can you imagine all those beautiful fields cover up with buildings and roads. ( I did once tell the Lord major of Ards this in a economic development meeting and he did'nt think the Empire state building would get past planning, but that's another story)
I found it hard to sleep at night and took to going to the local 1 dollar cinema at midnight, watched all sorts of bizarre things. Started identifying shops that might sell my work and braced myself to go and show them, always sale or return but why not? All this before I even started at Parson's School of Art. I think every person, especially women should spend some time living on their own. It helps you question everthing about yourself, listen to the silence not clutter up your mind with someone elses thoughts. The odd time I wonder what would have happended to me if I had not gone to the US ? but know it was a kind of pivitol moment in my life that gave me a chance to develop another part of myself that may have layed quiet had I not gone.
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